Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
You Might Also Like
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
umm…
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.