Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.