Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
You Might Also Like
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.