*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…