EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
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Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait