I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I have two kinds of followers
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Not all heroes wear capes….
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”