CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Kermit goes Blue.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Just me and my debit card against the world
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha