My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.