Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Great acting.. 😂
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.