“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.