My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Cheers Twitter.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”