Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?