[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
every college guy’s fridge
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.