*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
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I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
when u come home smelling like another dog
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!