Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
You Might Also Like
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me, in DM rooms…
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really