doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.