I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The opposite of Iceland is water water
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
😍😂🥰😂😍
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew