cat vs inanimate object
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My beach vacation Google searches
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”