Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
This line from Airplane.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
it is time once again
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.