“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear