Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
A small tragedy.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
me logging onto twitter
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead