[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
when dads have a rap battle
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂