I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*