Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.