Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.