We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Well, this is awkward
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.