I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
This is me