a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping