That’s not how days work.
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Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week