don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
You Might Also Like
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.