date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.