captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.