“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[montage of me giving-up]
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.