My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
You Might Also Like
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Finished stitching this today 😇
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Monday