I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Traveler’s camo
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.