Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
hmm conte-me mais
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?