I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sign at work today
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*