*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.