My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Brilliant!
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.