Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.