[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”