Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
When you kidnap a writer.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”