[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I feel seen.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*