Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
This meal prepping shit is easy
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.