I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*