Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Boy never ceases to amaze me
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
my dog when i have a friend over
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020