what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”