10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
britain’s three elite institutions
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.