Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job