Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I bet
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.